Denied My Teenage Years

blog pic 31.
I have worries that my condition; called Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis, may be spreading to other parts of the cerebellum in my brain, my hands in particular. I was forward planning my life, to prepare for the worst. My hands are now the only source that keeps me independent, as my legs have let me down. If my hands were to follow on the same path, I don’t think I would have any independence left. I would need someone to help me with every task I’d face. This to me would be unacceptable.

As a child growing up, before my nightmare began; I was ‘Miss Independent‘. I didn’t want help to do anything, I didn’t need anyone to offer me a hand to complete a task. As my legs began to fail on me, I became more dependant on the help from others. This was not an easy adjustment, as it was not within my personality to allow help from others, but I needed this help now.
The cause of my over thinking is, being given too much  free time to myself. During the summer months, this is inevitable.
Unfortunately, due to my immobility it means I cannot just leave the house impulsively; I can’t go out for a walk, to the cinema, to the shops, to see my boyfriend, to see friends, all of what being a young person should involve.
My friends don’t visit the house unless a lift down is available, meaning we have to plan in advance of visits. Which doesn’t happen often enough. I interact with my cats more so than with my friends!

My boyfriend lives on the other side of the city, which is a nuisance, having such little social interaction. 
I envy my brother for these reasons. He has friends who visit the house, friends who consider him as a friend worth contacting more than a few times a month and who include him in their plans. He rarely has a day of having nothing to do; which is quiet the opposite to me. His girlfriend lives within walking distance to the house. Unlike my boyfriend. I think I have been drawn the short end of the straw in all things to do with having a healthy social life.
I feel grateful for my college course starting in September as, although I will be faced with other challenges to stress out about, I won’t be given any time to over think about the situation I am  currently in.


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