Please come back

Nostalgia can be the best feeling, memories from a song, movie, whatever usually brings back happy memories.

Except for if the person it’s reminding you of is gone.

Even if the memories are happy, you can’t help but feeling sad, for the longing for that person back.

I’m not one for focusing on loss and what was but losing a person to a disease, gradually, then in a blink of an eye, they’re gone. Probably one of the most horrible ways to lose someone, and should be addressed. I’m not sure whether it’s possible to summon her back, but I’m not going to give up trying.

My whole personality has changed after the loss of me. The being you see, who is writing this is not me. This is a replacement. A substitute, trying its best to impersonate those characteristics of the real me. Nobody else can smell out the fake but me, (and my parents when I mess up and they say “you never used to do this”). My sense of humour, my attitude, my ability to let others take charge (within reason) have been sacrificed and I don’t like it.

Everyday this new me goes through experiences no one should have to, shaping the wrong person. Exposing the imposter to one more day in the life of Niamh, everything looking under control on the outside, but having that gut feeling that something is missing.

Eight years ago I began losing myself, the me I knew, the me everyone bailed on when circumstances got difficult. After eight years you’d think I would accept this state and the fact that I may never return. Thanks to society and the treatment others use towards me, I will never forget; for as long as I am seen as vulnerable, answered for and judged on my appearance, I will never stop longing for that teenage girl taken too soon.

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